brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
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My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me