He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
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do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.