Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
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The biggest mystery of our time
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.