My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
She was REALLY feeling it.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
January has been Januweary
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Lmfaoooooo