If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
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Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
That’s a good costume, I hope.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
What the hell happened here.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.