People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Confused owl: What?!
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.