Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
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Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Is this you?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
brian had himself a morning…
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
#Caturday
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please