Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
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How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.