Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.