NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
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I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
😂😂
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Close call…
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*