Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
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Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.