There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
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[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I finally found a reason to live again.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Oh the world we live in…
#DesignFail
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles