[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
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DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
this is uni
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
If only