Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
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I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.