The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Straight people are cancelled
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass