Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
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Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Ok who’s got my black socks?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.