not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
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It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Godspeed, John Glenn
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.