Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
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waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat