[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
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Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over