Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
A classic…
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.