If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
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Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Mhm.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Thou shalt not commit adulthood