[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
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My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.