i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
You Might Also Like
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I’d use my best pan on you.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*