my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
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[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
subtitles are so good nowadays
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I bet birds love this building.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message