I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you