Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
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I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
That’s incredible! 👌
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.