me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
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me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
i wish we could shoplift online
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I feel it
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Eat…
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
This makes total sense…
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend