[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
You Might Also Like
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters