Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
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People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill