whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
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“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.