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If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.