Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
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Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.