Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
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Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
are they though??
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound: