Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
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Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.