I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
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Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough