My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
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Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.