Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
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My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.