Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
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[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I pray every night that I never become religious…
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000