I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
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*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work