A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
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So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
lol
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!