Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
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If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.