[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I just tested negative for patience.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?