Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
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How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
So the ex texted me
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”