Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
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HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.