(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
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Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart