I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
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Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.