Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
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I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
the noise i just made
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.