After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
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If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
i love modern commerce
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives