A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
You Might Also Like
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
no!! no!!!!!!
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?