I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
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Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.